Hogwarts Online
by rock-dobby's-socks
Summary: The teens of Hogwarts discover MSN, as well as the many horrors of the internet.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I love Harry Potter chat style fics but there never seem to be many around, so here's my version. I hope you enjoy it.**

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century has entered the chat.**

**Hogwarts-A-History has entered the chat.**

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Hey Mione!

**Hogwarts-A-History: **How many times have I told you not to call me that?

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Once or twice...

**Hogwarts-A-History: **More like a hundred!

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Sorry. Ron set up his account yet?

**Cannons-Keeper has entered the chat.**

**Cannons-Keeper: **YES

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Should have known you two were together. Well done for being able to work it out Ron!

**Cannons-Keeper: **Mione did it for me.

**Hogwarts-A-History: **Will you two stop calling me Mione!

**Slytherin-Sex-God has entered the room.**

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **Pothead, Weasel, Mudblood.

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **You sure you don't prefer Mione?

**Hogwarts-A-History: **Yes! Malfoy, unless you want another black eye I'd suggest you join a different chat room!

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **LOL!

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **LOL?

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Laugh out loud. Stupid purebloods!

**Cannons-Keeper: **HEY!

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Sorry Ron! I meant stupid SLYTHERIN purebloods.

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **Says the Gryfindork!

**The-Littlest-Weasley has entered the room.**

**The-Littlest-Weasley: **Harry. There's something you need to see. The muggles know... And they've made you...

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **The muggles know what, and have made me what?

**The-Littlest-Weasley: **.net/Books/Harry_Potter

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **What is this?

**The-Littlest-Weasley: **Rita Skeeter's made these books under a pseudonym. They're about you, and now the muggles have... Just go to the link!

**The-Littlest-Weasley: **Actually, you all should.

_**10 minutes later**_

**Cannons-Keeper: **I would never rape Hermione!

**Hogwarts-A-History: **Me and Snape. *Gag*

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **You think that's bad? They made me gay with the-boy-who-just-won't-die!

**The-Littlest-Weasley: **Poor Harry. At least everyone doesn't hate you! Apparently I'm a slut!

**Cannons-Keeper: **NO COMMENT!

**Fred has entered the chat.**

**The-Littlest-Weasley: **Hey Fred.

**George has entered the chat.**

**George: **He's not Fred! I am!

**Fred: **You're our sister. Can't you tell us apart by now?

**The-Littlest-Weasley: **Not on HogwartsOnline! I can't see you. You need to see this website I found. .net/books/Harry_Potter

**George: **Aww does ickle Harry have his own website?

**Fred: **Erm... Fred...

**George: **Yes my beloved brother?

**Fred: **Search our names...

**George: **Ok...

_**Five minutes later**_

**George: **I feel sick.

**George has left the chat.**

**George has logged off.**

**The-Littlest-Weasley: **What was that about?

**Fred: **I think we just discovered twincest.

**The-Littlest-Weasley: **Twinscest?

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **Lul

**Hogwarts-A-History: **It's LOL.

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **LOL then! At least the Weasley's won't be breeding with some muggle!

**Hogwarts-A-History: **You're shagging Harry!

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **Shut up.

**The-Potions-Master has entered the chat.**

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **Sevviekins!

**The-Potions-Master: **Excuse me?

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **Ask the mudblood!

**The-Potions-Master: **Ms Granger?

**Hogwarts-A-History: **There's this site...

_**Five minutes later**_

**The-Potions-Master: **Ms Granger, I can assure you I do not want to bend you over my desk during detention.

**Hogwarts-A-History: **Thank Merlin!

**The-Potions-Master: **I am going to kill Skeeter.

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **Not if I get there first!

**The-Potions-Master: **I only came on to tell you it is past curfew. Not to be shown vomit worthy content. Everyone sign off now!

**The-Potions-Master has left the chat.**

**The-Potions-Master has signed out.**

**Slytherin-Sex-God: **Night losers!

**Slytherin-Sex-God has left the chat.**

**Slytherin-Sex-God has signed out.**

**Hogwarts-A-History: **See you all in the common room.

**Hogwarts-A-History has left the chat.**

**Hogwarts-A-History has signed out.**

**Cannons-Keeper: **BYE!

**Cannons-Keeper has left the chat.**

**Cannons-Keeper has signed out.**

**Fred has left the chat.**

**Fred has signed out.**

**The-Littlest-Weasley: Bye Harry xxxx**

**The-Littlest-Weasley has left the chat.**

**The-Littlest-Weasley has signed out.**

**Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **They made me gay with the ferret?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Not an MSN chapter this time. I want to try and have them use as many different online functions as possible, so this time they're emailing you all.**

Dear fan fiction writers,

My Name is Harry Potter, though you already know who I am judging by the filth you wrote about me and my friends. I would just like to inform you that I am not gay with Malfoy, Snape or any of the Weasleys, and must insist that you stop posting such lies about me on your fan fiction website.

If you wish to write about me killing Moldywart, or about the adventures my parents had (I do enjoy them), then feel free. Other than that, I do not wish to discover any more of this "slash" as you call it.

If I find anymore of this rubbish then I will track you down and Avada Kedavra you.

Yours Disgustedly,

Harry James Potter

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

Dear Meanies,

Stop calling me a slut or I will set my brothers on you. You really don't want to mess with Fred and George, they're already fuming about your twincest stories.

Just because me and Harry are together does not mean I sleep with everyone, so stop being jealous.

Oh, and my name is Ginivera, NOT Virginia! Though I would rather you called me neither. Stop writing about me and the entire male population of Hogwarts.

Yours angrily,

Ginny Weasley

Dear Imbeciles,

I am writing to express my disgust at your sick imaginations. Leave it to muggles to turn the lives of ordinary witches and wizards into sordid affairs.

I do not sleep with any of my students, and would never allow myself to sink as low as to have relations that are any more than professional with Ms Weasley or Granger, and especially not Mr Potter.

I will not put up with facing interrogations from the school board over such matters. Imagine Lucius' reaction if this situation gets any further and he discovers you have been spreading vicious lies that I have been sleeping with his son. I'm Draco's godfather for Merlin's sake!

If you retards do not remove this trash within the next week, be sure I will inform the dark lord you have been writing him into sexual situations with Ms Granger.

Not yours, no matter how much you "fangirls" want it,

Severus Snape

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

Dear fan fiction writers,

Just to let you know, we DO exist. Just because we aren't chosen ones does not mean you should forget about our existence.

Yours invisibly

Neville Longbottom, Seamus Finnigan and Cho Chang

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

Dear Muggles,

We are writing to tell you that we do not partake in incestuous activities with each other. It has taken us a week to be able to look at each other again. Then we found some more of your fan fiction about ourselves and other members of our family, and found ourselves feeling even more disgusted.

We are not Malfoys, and therefore do not need to sleep with each other to help keep our blood clean.

While we are writing to you, please stop calling our sister a slut. We'll steal one of Charlie's dragons and let it loose in your house. I hear Hungarian Horntails enjoy eating a nice muggle or two.

Leave us alone,

Fred and George

# # # # # # # # # # # # #

Dear writers of this amazing fan fiction,

I was shown this site by Severus, and have found myself addicted. The things you do to our poor students and teachers are hilarious. I especially like the ones about Harry and the Giant Squid.

I also enjoy the fictions about myself and Minerva, though I feel I must let you know about my disinterest towards the opposite sex. Your stories about myself and Grindlewald however, are scarily accurate.

Yours amusedly and oddly

Albus Dumbledore


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I would just like to say that this fic is not meant to offend. I love half the things the characters are complaining about, but I have the responsibility to stay true to the characters. Sorry if anyone has been offended so far.**

**The-Potions-Master signed in.**

**The-Potions-Master: **What is that mysterious ticking noise? Not over here, not over there. Kinda... Catchy. Snape. Snape. Severus Snape. Snape. Snape. Severus Snape.

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **LOL! Ron, he's going to kill you if he catches you on his account.

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century**: Ron?

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **RON?

**Cannons-Keeper has signed in.**

**The-Potions-Master: **Stay off my account Weasley!

**Cannons-Keeper: **Sorry Sir.

**The-Potions-Master: **What were you blabbering on about anyway?

**Cannons-Keeper: **Have you not seen The Mysterious Ticking Noise?

**The-Potions-Master: **Excuse me?

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Potter Puppet Pals FTW!

**Cannons-Keeper: **BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!

**The-Potions-Master: **Once againWeasley. What are you talking about?

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! Go on and search The Mysterious Ticking Noise! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!

**The-Potions-Master: **If it stops your infernal "Bothering."

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!

**Cannons-Keeper: **BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!

**The-Potions-Master: **You boys are imbeciles!

**The-Potions-Master has left the chat.**

**The-Potions-Master has logged off.**

**Cannons-Keeper: **That was fun!

**Could-Have-Been-The-Chosen-One has signed in.**

**Could-Have-Been-The-Chosen-One: **Hagrid's Buttcrack!

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Hagrid is twice the man you'll ever be Neville!

**Could-Have-Been-The-Chosen-One: **K...

**The-Potions-Master signed in.**

**Could-Have-Been-The-Chosen-One: **Bye Harry, Bye Ron!

**The-Potions-Master: **Did you make that ridiculous video Potter?

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **I wish, it was some muggle.

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **I would never sing.

**Cannons-Keeper: **Yes you would! I heard you singing when you were cleaning your cauldrons!

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **ROFL!

**The-Potions-Master: **You dare tell anyone and you'll regret it!

**Cannons-Keeper: **I was only kidding. But now we know it's true. HAHA!

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **LOL! I'm Harry Potter, Harry Harry Potter!

**Cannons-Keeper: **Snape!

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Harry!

**Cannons-Keeper: **Snape!

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Harry!

**Cannons-Keeper: **Snape!

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Harry!

**Cannons-Keeper: **Snape!

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Harry!

**Nitwit-Blubber-Oddment-Tweak has signed in.**

**The-Potions-Master: **Dumbledore!

**Cannons-Keeper: **HAHA! Snape Sang!

**Nitwit-Blubber-Oddment-Tweak: **That'sProfessor Snape, Mr Weasley!

**The-Potions-Master: **I did no such thing!

**The-Youngest-Seeker-In-A-Century: **Yes you did Sir! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!

**The-Potions-Master: **Goodbye.

**The-Potions-Master has left the chat.**

**The-Potions-Master has logged off.**

**Nitwit-Blubber-Oddment-Tweak: **What was that about?

_**Fifteen Minutes Later**_

**The-Potions-Master: **I am NOT doing this.

**Nitwit-Blubber-Oddment-Tweak: **Do you want that pay rise Severus?

**The-Potions-Master: **What is the mysterious ticking noise? Not over here, not over there...  
>its kinda... catchy. Snape. Snape. Severus Snape. Snape. Snape. Severus Snape.<p>

**Nitwit-Blubber-Oddment-Tweak: **Dumbledore!

**The-Potions-Master: ***Eye twitch* Snape. Snape. Severus Snape.

**Nitwit-Blubber-Oddment-Tweak: **Dumbledore!

_**Two minutes later**_

**The-Dark-Lord: **Hehehehe! Voldemort. Voldemort. Oh Volde, Volde, Volde, Voldemort!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I just hope the formatting is ok on this chapter once it's uploaded. Fingers crossed.**

**Harry Potter **is sat in potions thinking of ways to torture Malfoy :)

_**Ron Weasley **__likes this_

**Draco Malfoy: **Piss off Potter!

**Harry Potter: **Never!

**Professor Snape: **Ten points from Gryfindor for being on Facebook during class Potter!

**Harry Potter: **You and Malfoy are!

**Draco Malfoy: **HAHA!

**/**

**Ginny Weasley **is so in love :)

_**Harry Potter**__ likes this_

**Harry Potter: **That better be about me ;)

**Ginny Weasley: **Of course :)

**Harry Potter: **I love you too Ginny-Boo

**Ron Weasley: **Yuck!

**Ginny Weasley: **Shut up Ronald!

**/**

**Hermione Granger **is in the library studying.

**Ron Weasley: **That's breaking news that is!

**Harry Potter: **OMG! Hermione in a library!

**Hermione Granger: **Boys...

**/**

**Draco Malfoy **GRYFINDOR SMELL!

**Greg Goyle: **HAHAHA!

**Professor Snape: **Twenty points to Slytherin

**Harry Potter: **Smell good. All Slytherins smell like troll feet!

**Professor Snape: **Ten points from Gryfindor!

**Harry Potter: **Does taking away house points via Facebook actually work?

**Albus Dumbledore: **Nope! xD

Potatoes!

**Harry Potter: **Hahaha!

**Professor Snape: **damn you Potter!

**/**

**Lord Voldemort **is plotting...

_**Harry Potter likes this**_

**Lord Voldemort: **Why do you like this? I'm plotting to kill you, you know.

**Harry Potter: **But it'll fail.

**Lord Voldemort: **Why do you say that?

**Harry Potter: **Because you have no nose!

**Ron Weasley: **HAHAHAHA!

**/**

**Harry Potter **is LOL-ing at the fact Voldemort has no nose xD

**Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Hermione Granger, Fred Weasley, George Weasley **and **Ginny Weasley **like this

**Ginny Weasley: **Epic win Harry!

**Lord Voldemort: **Shut up scarhead. I will kill you!

**Harry Potter: **I only have this scar as proof you couldn't kill me.

**Lord Voldemort: **Grrrrr.

**/**

**Seamus Finnigan **has just discovered Runescape

**Ronald Weasley: **What's Runescape?

**Hermione Granger: **For the love of all that is holy, do not tell him!

**/**

**Ron Weasley **is now at Level 90 on Runescape :)

**Seamus Finnigan **and **Harry Potter **like this.

**Hermione Granger: **No! Bad Ron. Go do your homework.

**Ron Weasley: **The mighty Ron does not do homework!

**/**

**Remus Lupin **has just been accosted by a group of muggles screaming "squee."

_**Harry Potter **__likes this_

**Harry Potter: **Haha, you have fangirls!

**Remus Lupin: **Excuse me?

**Harry Potter: **Blame Rita Skeeter, or J.K. Rowling as she is now called.

**/**

**Sirius Black **has just discovered puppyshipping...

**Harry Potter: **And?

**Sirius Black: **And nothing, Remus is seeing my cousin.

**Danni Thompson: **Aww, puppyshipping is so hot!

**Sirius Black: **Who are you and how did you find my Facebook account?

**Danni Thompson: **Squee!

**Remus Lupin: **Sirius, it's a fangirl! Run!

**Sirius Black: **Aaaah!

**Harry Potter: **Avada Kedavra!

**A/N: Sorry about the end bit. I couldn't help myself :)**


	5. Chapter 5

Dear fan fiction writers,

Leave me and Remus alone. He is not interested in men, and I am perfectly happy being single, thank you very much. Just because we are both remarkably handsome, intelligent and awesome does not mean that we are having sex, nor am I having his puppies.

As much as you wish it, it will not happen. If wishing made it possible then we would already be together.

Will you please stop writing about me and Harry getting together by the way? He's my best friend's son, you sicko's.

Yours sadly,

Sirius Black

##################################################################################

Dear walking dead,

It has come to my attention that you have been writing disturbing things about me and the-stupid-boy-who-won't-die. As soon as my time comes, you shall all be dead. Until then keep your filthy muggle fingers off the keyboard.

I will not waste any more time on this email, as I have much more important business than talk to you all.

Your soon-to-be-murderer,

Lord Voldemort

##################################################################################

Dear Muggles,

Please stop accosting me in the street, invading mine and my friend's Facebooks, and writing smut about me and Sirius.

He is clearly not interested, so stop writing it. It's highly depressing to see ones fantasies in words, and not be able to act it out in real life. Not that I'm interested in him. I'm already a werewolf, I can't be gay too.

Also, please stop squee-ing. The noise is painful.

Yours annoyedly,

Remus Lupin

##################################################################################

Dear fan fiction writers

We would not welcome a Mary Sue into Hogwarts, we do not want to become another Twishite... Sorry, Twilight. No more American exchange students or Snape's daughters please. Even he agrees that one of him is bad enough. America has dozens of wizarding schools, why don't you send them there if you have to write about them.

And for those of you that don't realise, Hogwarts is in England so the muggle currency would be pounds and not dollars, though we witches and wizards us galleons, sickles and knuts, so the use of muggle money would be irrelevant.

Yours,

The entire student body of Hogwarts.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thank you all for the lovely reviews, they're what inspire me to write xD**

**Draco Malfoy **is transferring to Pigfarts

_**Harry Potter **__and __**Ron Weasley **__like this_

**Albus Dumbledore: **Send my regards to Rumbleroar!

**Gregory Goyle: **Draco, we're having problems building your spaceship.

**Harry Potter: **Aww, does that mean Draco isn't going?

/

**Ron Weasley **wrote on **Professor Snape's wall**

BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!

**Harry Potter **likes this

**Severus Snape: **Leave me alone!

**Ron Weasley: **BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!

/

**Sirius Black **is threatening fangirls again

_**Remus Lupin, Harry Potter **__and __**Hermione Granger**__ like this_

**Remus Lupin: **What have they done now?

**Sirius Black: **Sending me… Underwear. *Shudder*

**Harry Potter: **Glad it's not just me that's getting them.

**Ginny Weasley: **People have been sending you underwear Harry?

**Hermione Granger: **Where do you think all the pairs he "bought" you came from?

**Ginny Weasley: **Yuck!

**Ginny Weasley **has gone from "being in a relationship" to "it's complicated"

**Harry Potter: **Dislike! Hermione was lying!

**Ginny Weasley: **Promise?

**Harry Potter: **Promise.

**Ginny Weasley **has gone from "it's complicated" to "in a relationship"

_**Harry Potter **__likes this_

**Severus Snape is terrorising students with his greasy hair.**

_**Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Seamus Finnigan **__and __**Dean Thomas**__ like this_

**Draco Malfoy: **Ron, stop bothering Snape! I know that was you.

**Ron Weasley: **Fine, I'll bother you instead!

**Ron Weasley **wrote on **Draco Malfoy's **wall

BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER! BOTHER!

_**Harry Potter **__and __**Severus Snape **__like this_

**Severus Snape: **Thank Merlin he's harassing you instead!

**Luna Lovegood **want's to know if anyone has seen her shoe? The nargles took it and now it's lost.

**Draco Malfoy: **What are nargles?

**Harry Potter: **You don't want to know.

**Ron Weasley **is cutting down trees on Runescape xD

_**Seamus Finnigan **__likes this_

**Hermione Granger: **Don't you have anything better to do?

**Ron Weasley: **My axe broke :'(

**Draco Malfoy: **HAHAHA!

**Seamus Finnigan: **PWND!

**Harry Potter **wrote on **Lord Voldemort's **wall

I found the perfect site for you Voldie! .com

**Lord Voldemort**: My eyes! I will kill you!

**Harry Potter: **How many spins did you sit through?

**Lord Voldemort: **That is irrelevant

**Bellatrix Lestrange: **150 before he smashed the computer to bits.

**Harry Potter: **PAHAHAHA

**Lord Voldemort: **I will get you back for this Potter!

**Harry Potter **has just been Rick-rolled by **Lord Voldemort**

_**Lord Voldemort, Draco Malfoy, Severus Snape **__and __**Bellatrix Lestrange **__like this_

**Lord Voldemort: **Muhahahaha!

**Harry Potter: **Dude, who cares. Rick-Rolling is sooo two years ago!

**Lord Voldemort: **Then I will find another way to get back at you!

**Harry Potter: **You keep telling yourself that, no nose!

**Molly Weasley **wrote on **Ron Weasley's **wall

How's my ickle Ronnie doing?

**Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley **and **Draco Malfoy **like this

**Draco Malfoy: **Hahaha! Ronnie the Weasel! I can't believe you have your mum on Facebook!

**Narcissa Malfoy **wrote on **Draco Malfoy's **wall

Draco, are you coming home for Christmas? Your father and I miss you dearly Drakey-Poo.

**Harry Potter **and **Ron Weasley **like this.

**Ron Weasley: HAHAHA! At least I'm not Drakey-Poo!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks for the idea foxam12, there will be replies from the fangirls in the next e-mail chapter. A massive thank you to TroyellaSupporter, ehkooner, Joker of Hell, and anyone else who has reviewed so far. You all make me smile xD**

**Dear Voldemort,**

**Thank you for the enchanted earmuffs. I don't think I'll ever fully have the Tellytubbies theme tune out of my head. It took Mrs. Weasley two hours to get them unstuck from my head.**

**I hope you enjoyed the socks, I bought them from Ebay and thought they were perfect for you. The frostbite curse was a nice extra touch don't you think?**

**I hope you enjoy the rest of the winter holiday, though you don't really need one do you? All you do is sit around coming up with useless battle strategies.**

**Best be off, I can hear Mrs. Weasley screaming at Fred and George for trying to shove a firework inside the turkey's behind.**

**Lots of love,**

**Harry Potter**

**Dear Ron,**

**Will you please stop trying to get me to join Runescape! I hope you weren't too disappointed that you didn't get the membership you were trying to get me to buy for you, but you spend far too much time on that game. All you ever do is chop trees, cook fish and chop trees. **

**Anyway, see you next term, and send my love to everyone.**

**Yours,**

**Hermione**

**Dear Drakie-Poo,**

**Could you go see Severus and ask him to make me some more of that thrush cream?**

**Lots of love**

**Mumsie**

**Ronald Weasley!**

**Do not fake emails from my mother. You're bad enough to deal with at school, don't write to me during the holidays!**

**Draco Malfoy.**

**P.S. The jumper was hideous. Why did your mother send me that ridiculous thing?**

**Sirius,**

**I need to tell you the truth. I'm secretly in love with you and want to have your puppies. I want to be the Joey to your Seto. Please please write back and tell me you feel the same.**

**Yours forever and a day,**

**Remus**

**Ron,**

**Piss off. I know that was you, and that Remus doesn't have feelings for me. Stop messing with my head before I turn Draco Malfoy into a giant talking spider and glue him to your back.**

**Sirius**

**Dear fan fiction writers,**

**I have had a change of heart and decided I will marry you all. I love the way you scarily fantasise over me and stalk my Facebook and Myspace pages day and night.**

**I just hope my abnormally large nose hasn't given you any ideas about the rest of my anatomy. I really am tiny down there.**

**Enclosed is my address, I hope to see you all soon.**

**All my love,**

**Severus Snape (though you may now call me Sevvie-kins)**

**Ron,**

**You sent them my address? How did you even know where I lived? When you get back to school, you aren't going to have a detention free night for the rest of the year! Now I must go, I can hear squee-ing, and I think one of them saw me.**

**And my penis is not small!**

**Severus Snape**


	8. Chapter 8

**Harry Potter **is stressed!

_**Draco Malfoy **__likes this_

**Ron Weasley: **What's wrong mate?

**Harry Potter: **Sparkle fairy.

**Ron Weasley: **Sparkle fairy?

**Edward Cullen: **Hey Harry, how you been?

**Ron Weasley: **Cedric?

**Harry Potter: **I'm not even going to bother.

**Edward Cullen: **Harry…

**Edward Cullen: **Harry!

**Edward Cullen: **Harry?

**Lord Voldemort: **Kill the spare!

**Edward Cullen: **Not again… You can't kill me with your magic, for I am a super hot, totally awesome vampire now.

**Harry Potter: **A vampire that sparkles!

**Lord Voldemort: **HAHAHAHA! Sparkle fairy!

**Harry Potter: **At last, A Voldemort I like!

/

**Cho Chang **wrote on **Edward Cullen's **wall

Hey Cedric, fancy meeting up?

**Edward Cullen: **I don't think so…

**Cho Chang: **But why? I saw your girlfriend's profile. She's so plain!

**Edward Cullen: **Plain is the new beautiful. I wouldn't be half as popular if I was in love with a HOT girl!

**Bella Swan: **Hey!

**Cho Chang: **Die bitch! *claws eyes out*

/

**Hermione Granger **is looking forward to seeing **Victor Krum **this valentines day.

_**Victor Krum **__likes this_

**Ron Weasley: **Why isn't there a dislike button?

**Ginny Weasley: **Someone's jealous!

**Ron Weasley: **Why would I be jealous of him?

**Hermione Granger: **No comment.

/

**Luna Lovegood **is now in a relationship

**Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley **and **Draco Malfoy **like this

**Ginny Weasley: **Who with?

**Harry Potter: **Please tell me it's not with the sparkle fairy!

**Luna Lovegood: **Promise you won't tell anyone. He doesn't want anyone to know yet.

**Harry Potter: **Promise.

**Luna Lovegood: **Draco Malfoy!

**Harry Potter: **And I thought you had taste!

**Draco Malfoy: **You do realize you just told the entire world.

**Luna Lovegood: **I don't think anyone is reading this, don't worry.

**Gregory Goyle: **Yeah, no one's reading this…

**Vincent Crabbe: **Totally!

**Neville Longbottom: **Luna, I thought you liked me?

**Edward Cullen: **Congratulations on getting a girlfriend. I can remember when you were a ferret :p

**Draco Malfoy: **Shut up sparkle fairy!

/

**Bella Swan **is so in love with Edward. My lion!

_**Edward Cullen **__likes this_

**Harry Potter: **GTFO my Facebook!

**Ron Weasley: **Lion? Wasn't Cedric a Hufflepuff?

**Harry Potter: **HAHAHA! Hufflepuffter! Worse than the Slytherins.

**Ron Weasley: **Only because he was in it…

**Edward Cullen: **I can read you know.

**Harry Potter: **Don't worry, we know.

/

**Remus Lupin **is pregnant xD

_**The entire population of fangirls **__like this_

**Sirius Black: **WTF?

**Remus Lupin: **They're yours. Don't you remember when we both got drunk last month…

**Sirius Black: **How drunk was I?

/

**Remus Lupin **does not appreciate having his Facebook raped by fangirls

**Fangirls: **Squee! We got a mention on Remus' status!

**Remus Lupin: **Oh dear, leave me alone…

**Fangirls: **Never!

/

**Severus Snape**'s hair is leaking more than Moaning Murtle's toilet!

**Harry Potter, Ron Weasley **and **Neville Longbottom **like this

**Edward Cullen: **Leave him alone! Us vampires have to stick together.

**Ron Weasley: **I knew it!

/

**Severus Snape **is not a vampire!

**Harry Potter: **Lies!

**/**

**Harry Potter **and** 29 other friends **joined the group **Kill the Sparkle Fairy**

**Edward Cullen: **Dislike! What did I do wrong?

**Severus Snape: **You told my students I was a vampire.

**Lord Voldemort: **You didn't die when I told Wormtail to kill you.

**Remus Lupin: **You have some kind of sick hatred towards werewolves.

**Cho Chang: **You're dating a Mary-Sue!

**Harry Potter: **You got to be the dazzling vampire and I'm still the-emo-boy-who-lived!

**Edward Cullen: Point taken.**


End file.
